Or ‘Shlang’ if you don’t have a northern midwest accent.
If you are anything like me, you also giggle when you read this. I didn’t believe it at first. A friend of mine told me, and this particular friend is full of random facts and knowledge and happens to appreciate crude and perverted humor just as much, if not more than I do. When he told me this a few months ago, I didn’t know that the declining state of my apartment would require me using this word on a regular basis with plumbers, technicians, and my regional manager.
Let me explain. In my bathroom, there is a tub and a sink. There is one tap faucet thing that is used for both, and it swivels between the bath and sink as needed. Connected to the tap is a hose, which attaches to the shower head. In the pas I’ve already had several problems with my plumbing and bathroom. Upon arriving to my apartment, the cold water pipes leaked terribly all over the toilet room floor. Someone very brilliant decided it was a good idea to wallpaper a bathroom with no vent, so after a few months of moving in, as the seams of wallpaper became squishy, I started covering them with packing tape to protect them. I’ve caulked my tub several times because it leaks into nasty smelly ponds in the black abyss underneath and makes me worry that the floor will rot and cave in (the caving in is a possibility. My floor is crumbly. But it’s concrete, not wood). The knobs for hot and cold water have gotten all wonky, requiring that one put lots of pressure pushing the knobs in while turning. One day, I came home to find hot water spewing out of where a knob was. The water had just blown the knob right off. Oh, and the showerhead broke. I set it on the bathtub, and it just straight up cracked. I don’t know why that happened.
Earlier this summer, the leak started. Even when the water was off, it dripped out of the tap, and you would have to jiggle the faucet to get it to stop. I was fine with this situation, because as a somewhat spoiled (I say somewhat because if I was truly spoiled, my health would not be in constant peril) city volunteer, I still had hot and cold water, just about 24/7.
That brings us to August. For some reason, my hot water was shut off for about a month. Normally this would have been a huge inconvenience, but really – August is balls hot and the last thing I wanted to do was get into a steamy shower. Plus, my cold water isn’t really that cold. I took cold showers, but because my cold water pressure is so low, I had to improvise with buckets. One fine day, a friend of mine was over having a cold bucket bath experience and I hear him call out “Oh Goddamn it!” I figure maybe he fell or something, and since he wasn’t hollering for help I didn’t say anything. A few minutes later “What the….?!?!” I really didn’t know what to expect because although he and I are good pals, I really couldn’t fathom what on earth was inspiring these outbursts.
After he emerged from the bathroom, I found out that while showering, the faucet had fallen off. He switched to the showerhead, which promptly crumbled into his hands (I doubt the quality of these products).
This is what it looked like:
In retrospect, it's actually amusing.
With the piece on the left gone, the hose was all that remained.
I am suprised that the whole thing didn't fall off the wall.
I didn’t really know what to do, so in a very adult, responsible manner, I just ignored it and bathed with a hose. My school handyman usually fixes things for me and as school wasn’t in session, I figured that it would just be rude to go banging down his door with my demands. So I went on with my travels and figured that once I was back at school, they could fix it right away. Not so much.
The original school handyman came, looked at it, and told me I needed to buy a whole new faucet/tap/hose/showerhead thing. He explained where to buy it and told me that once I did, he would install it. Great, I thought, except it would cost around 300 uah (about $37.50) and I didn’t have any money to spare that month. I figured I could wait a week and tell my family about it and maybe they would take pity on me, especially with my Mom’s visit coming up. Luckily, my parents are very generous. I went and bought a new pile of metal and pipes.
However, in looking for the handyman, I found out that the original one had been fired (or quit, I can’t really tell) and the new one came to look at the problem. He said he could install the new fixture, but since my hot water constantly leaks, the problem is with the main pipes and he didn’t have the tools or authority to fix them.
This was all in the beginning of September. It doesn’t get very interesting, so I’ll get to today as quick as I can.
I freak out and call my Peace Corps manager. He calls my school. They find another plumber a few days later who comes to my apartment, assesses the mess, and promises to return the next week. He never does and doesn’t answer any calls. My poor momma comes to visit and also takes hose baths.
Finally, my counterpart, Lena, gets really fed up and goes to the director again. Last night a plumber came and looked, repeated everything that was said by the last people and left, again, with a promise to return. (One thing I’d like to note is how weird it is when someone says to me “So, you don’t understand anything I’m saying, do you?” or “Oh, I love you and your emotional face. You don’t know Russian, but we can talk through the emotions you are displaying.” How do I even respond to that?)
And then he did! He came back today and fixed everything and now I have a faucet and a shower!
Glorious.
I bathed and now, I am content.
(I’m still going to try and work the word ‘hose’ into my daily usage as much as possible, because even though I’ve said it dozens of times to various handymen and plumbers, it still cracks me up.)
No more bucket baths!!!!