I have been studying Russian for a really long time. My interest in all things Russian can be traced back to me as a 3rd grader, thanks to a pretty progressive “gifted and talented” program in Toledo Public Schools. After 4 years of a once-a-week Russian lesson, followed by 2 years of after-school lessons, I solidly knew as a 13 year-old that I wanted to really learn Russian. High school was a ridiculous mess of changes – new schools, new homes, new additional parental figures. In the midst of all that, I studied Spanish and German, as I was no longer attending schools who offered a minimum of 6 foreign languages. Senior year of high school came around and I, like most kids who were described as “big fish in small ponds” got tired of school. I took classes at a nearby university, which got me two things – out of school 2 or 3 hours early, and back into studying Russian.
Jump forward to university. At Michigan State, I studied Russian for 4 years. I studied well. I consistently got the highest grades possible in my language classes. I added a secondary major of International Studies, and then got to study Russian/Eastern European history, literature, cinema, sociology, geography – you name it, I studied it. In 2007, I went to Volgograd with my college’s program and lived with a family for six weeks and studied. In 2009, I won a Critical Language Scholarship, and was sent on an all expenses paid summer long trip to Kaliningrad, where I signed an agreement to only speak Russian during the intensive program.
Then I came to Ukraine. I applied to Peace Corps and got to have not only the job I wanted, but in a country where not just some people speak a language I studied – but at least half. On top of that, I live in a part of this country where Russian is spoken predominately. I don’t often have to deal with Surzhyk (the mix of Ukrainian and Russian languages that is predominant in the middle parts of Ukraine). Basically, I have it made.
At least, in theory. I have all of this experience and a genuine interest. I have $55,000 of debt owed to the U.S. Government for my Bachelor’s Degree in Russian. And somehow, somehow, I am unable to get myself to practice Russian.
I feel guilty about this, especially when I talk to people who came to this country with no Russian or Ukrainian. I had an extreme advantage. (At the same time, I don’t see most of my American colleagues doing much more than I do, which is chat with people at shops and markets, and go to a weekly tutoring lesson.)
I feel guilty because I my education says that I know Russian. I feel guilty because I had so much potential when I first came to Ukraine (although meeting people whose natural abilities trump mine, helps that guilt dissipate).
I feel guilty because I feel as though I am wasting this wonderful opportunity ((although I am so busy and stressed anyway, I may explode) I also feel guilty because of all of these little asides)).
I feel terribly guilty all of the time and although motivation exists – it has existed since I was a kid – I can’t find a way of getting myself out of this 16 month slump in learning.
Elise – don’t feel guilty! You did come with some advantages that the rest of us did. But the stress of being here and just dealing with every day life, plus being a teacher, plus working groups, plus whatever else you have on you, plus it being cold and winter, is enough to work on anyone – you said it. You are not wasting the opportunity – by being here and doing the work you are doing, and simply living where you are living, you are taking advantage of an opportunity in a way that most people would not. Be easier on yourself!
i second jonekn’s reply…try try try try TRY NOT to feel guilty! Life is filled with peaks and valleys, energy highs and lows…times when it is easier to learn than others. The energy it is taking to live in Ukraine and do all the GOOD WORK you ARE doing (I know you are …TRUST ME!) takes a lot out of your reserves. PS..what are you feeling guilty about anyway? You just said you are so busy (it’s making you stressed) so what more can you do? Sometimes the doing has to take the place of the ‘learning’ for a while cuz there’s only so much time. Maybe some of the folks taking a tutoring class have a little less on their plate than you. Hang in there:) You’re loved!